Perhaps more than any other sport, golf lends itself to jokes and colourful — often off-colour — expressions. Here’s a choice selection of one-liners for your next round of shanks, slices and other mis-hits among friends.
Not long ago, while playing a round of golf in the Caribbean, I struggled in a greenside bunker, taking two shots to land my ball on the green.
“You know what that is?” my playing partner said. “That’s an Adolf Hitler. Two shots in the bunker.”
Perhaps more than any other sport, golf lends itself to jokes and colourful — often off-colour — expressions. Maybe it’s the game’s turtle-like pace. There’s always plenty of time to tell a joke between shots, or deliver a perfectly honed witticism, usually at your partner’s expense.
A transplanted Englishman with an impish sense of humour, my Caribbean partner had apparently spent a lifetime collecting amusing golf expressions. Some of the best are too risqué for reprint. But here are a few to file away for your next round of shanks, slices and other mis-hits among friends:
An OJ Simpson — When you hit a bad shot and somehow get away with it.
A Kate Moss or a Calista Flockhart — When you hit a shot thin but it is still pretty.
A Salman Rushdie — When you have a putt that’s an impossible read.
A Rock Hudson — When you thought it was straight, but it wasn’t.
A Root Canal – When your ball lands on or near a tree root and you’re one swing away from painful surgery.
A Swing Like a Swiss Watch — When your swing has a thousand moving parts.
A Jesus Ball – When your ball skips across the water before landing safely on dry land.
An Ice Cream on S**t Putt — When you sink a 30-footer for an eight.
A Lawrence of Arabia — When you’ve been in the sand all day.
A Saddam Hussein — When you hit from one bunker straight into another.
A Sparkler – When you play a shot off an asphalt cart path.
A Union Member — When you seem to take hours to hit a single shot.
A CNN — When your shot goes way left.
A FOX News — When your shot goes way right.
